“If Only”

 I am the kind of person who really likes to know what is going on. Even when I was a little girl and it had nothing to do with me, I still liked to know what was happening. I distinctly remembering one time my mom jokingly told me that I was nosy (probably because I was). To which I replied, “No I am not, I just liked to know things.” To me that sounded WAY better than nosy. I would love to tell you today, that the feeling of wanting to know what is going on has gone away. It hasn’t, in fact now more than ever do I have this desperate feeling of, I need to know what is going on. It is not this feeling of I have to know what is going on with other people, but what is going on in my life. God, what are you doing? Please help me see because I am really struggling to understand. 

Since the beginning of the year, I started a new devotional, and on days when I need it the most the Lord just really shows out. In the last two weeks He has spoken straight to my need for that day. Again, today is no exception. There have been many times in my life where I ask “What-if’ or I would say “If -only” . I have definitely said that over that last couple months. “If I only knew (fill in the blank)” or “What if I had done (fill in the blank)”. 

This is the quote that the devotional started out with. “ Don’t be discouraged today. You can leave your “what-ifs” and “if-onlys” in the hands of the One who loves you and rules all things.” 

YALL!!! I knew after I read that, that it was going to be exactly what I needed. The devotion goes on to say that God will confuse us. No amount of education, college education, biblical literacy, or theological knowledge will help us fully understand why God does things. For someone who likes to know things, this gives me so much comfort. No matter how smart I can become, I will never understand why God does certain things, or allows certain things to happen. For those of you who know me personally, I am not just talking about my grief that I am walking through, I am talking about EVERYTHING! 

Later in the devotional it says that we can find true peace when we rest in the wisdom of the One who holds all of our “what-ifs” and “if-onlys” . There is nothing I can say, do, or find to bring me peace and rest. The only One who can provide that for me is my almighty,  all knowing, all powerful God. 

Faith is not a natural human reaction, we are often quick to doubt, question, and even become fearful. I am striving daily to make faith my first reaction. It is not easy, sometimes it is very hard, because again, I am person who likes to know things. With faith I have to trust my Creator even when I cannot see or understand what is going on.